One day at a time
Is all I can bear
If I can make it through this day
Then I can look back tomorrow
And know that I am strong
Even in my weakness
And sometimes being weak
Is the only way I can be, at all…
© 1996 Dear Cheyenne
I miss Quiddy – though I haven’t seen her or touched her with my hands, I miss her. She brought me so much joy for 5 months. It’s been 2 months since she left & I wonder sometimes where did it all go. Sadly my body still displays characteristics of being pregnant owing to the rather large fibroid I have in my uterus. I cringe when people get up for me in the tube but I found it easier to accept politely – they feel good & I don’t have to stand! Yesterday I held my tummy on my way back home & I missed my little angel. If you’d ask me if I wanted her back, I’d say no. To me she has moved ahead in her journey and left some memories that can only be described as beautiful. Feeling her move around inside when she was there gave me so much peace. I’d make her listen to songs & she moved-maybe she didn’t quite approve of my taste in music :-).A good friend said maybe you weren’t ready for it. She meant well & I do consider her a wise soul but it left me thinking. Was I really not ready? Were there doubts? And so on… But then I thought heck that can’t be. Nobody ever can be too ready or unprepared to be a parent! I’m sure many people years after their children have settled down still feel they could’ve done more or they did too much. It’s an endless debate. I did have my fears & many thoughts about motherhood. But I think I was more prepared for it than most other women could have been.I sometimes run the sequence of events in my head to see if I have the courage to feel the range of emotions I must’ve felt then. There are times when I just get an empty feeling & nothing else. From the time the water broke, everything just seems like a long drawn dream – a twilight zone in our lives. I vividly recall that night at the hospital when Quiddy was squirming inside me; I was so uncomfortable and so incredibly sad. It would be the last time I felt her move inside and then the next day she went away peacefully. I spoke to her all the time – I told her it was okay to let go. That mummy & daddy love her despite not having seen or touched her physically. She was our little Quiddy & that she shouldn’t be afraid. She should go & make someone else incredibly happy. I held my bump that morning – held it really tightly because I knew that I wouldn’t have the courage to hold her when she’s out of me. I wouldn’t be able to look at her as it would give a face & personality to her. I didn’t want her memory to have a face – I want it to stay always as a feeling. I held her inside me and when she finally was delivered, I had to ask the midwives not to show me any of her – I would’ve collapsed completely. I didn’t want to. And she went without giving any pain whatsoever. When I look at other pregnant women & babies, I can’t help but feel happy. How could I be sad looking at them – it seemed to be a major concern for everyone else but me. How could I be sad because of them… I feel happiness when I see little babies and expectant women. And though it will be a while before we can have the blessing in our lives, I’m thankful for the 5 months ‘preview’ we got with Quiddy. She was my affirmation.
Thinking of you my little one & wishing you bring happiness wherever you go next.