In the last few months, many beautiful souls I hold dear have moved on to the realm of dreams forever. I sometimes find it hard to believe that all of them aren’t there anymore. They’re there in spirit for sure but not in the physical realm.
My father in law’s passing came suddenly. In your heart you know that one day our parents will leave us behind and move on but when it happens, you’re ill prepared for the grief that overcomes you. I hear his voice in my memory and it makes me smile. I can feel his warm hug and his hands holding mine – rigid strong hands that’ve tenured hard over the years yet they had this strength of reassurance about them. I hear him sometimes laugh and say something funny…i cant make out the words but its something that tickled him and in turn tickled all of us! I wasn’t the ideal bahu/daughter in law that he’d have wanted I’m sure, at least in the early years but over time he assured me that he was happy with me in some way or other. I’m very challenged in matters of understanding finances and I can be pretty aloof too. I don’t take too many things seriously but that’s mostly because I have the inherent belief that this universe isn’t serious. The only universal truth for me is death. Beyond death what exists I don’t know. Nobody does so we should live every moment fully and mindfully. Perhaps he thought I was immature and irreverent. I’ve always viewed my parents in law as individuals as I do my own parents and I guess because of that I do come across as uninterested. I hope that whilst he was on this realm, at some point he realised I adored him. And that he forgave all my shortcomings.
I feel like there was so much left to tell him and so many stories I’d have liked to hear… I regret not having pushed that aspect of our relationship more. You lay there peaceful in death and I watched you… I didn’t know what to say. this life feels like a short pit stop before I see you again and we can have long catch up conversations. so many times I wanted to cry but I couldn’t… I couldn’t weep. I just sat watching others around me do so… it left me wondering what kind of a person am I that I don’t feel that need! is it because I feel that this life is just a prelude to seeing you again and holding you tight again and having crazy conversations with you about all the things that really matter… the memories of your childhood, your fun school days, the struggles, the friends, the loves and heartbreaks… the first time you laid eyes on Ma… the feeling you got when you first saw your grand daughters… I miss you Pa.